The Best Day Ever

I stepped out onto my front porch, took in a deep breath of the fresh spring air, and started down the path to the sidewalk.  Pulling open the mailbox at the end of the walkway, I pulled out a considerable handful of envelopes.
"Junk mail," I said, tossing the envelopes over my shoulder as I read them off.  "Bills and junk mail."
I walked back into my house and dumped the mail on the counter, pulling out a box of cereal from a cabinet.  'Alpha-Bites, a letterific way to start your day,' proclaimed the box in large, colorful letters.  I poured the cereal into a bowl and then drenched it in milk.  After eating most of the cereal, I saw that only a few letters remained in the bowl.
"YOU'RE GOING TO DIE YOUNG"
I was a bit surprised, but then remembered that this was almost certainly a coincidence.  After all, bowls of cereal can't actually move of their own accord.
"YES WE CAN"
I looked back down into the bowl and raised an eyebrow.  This was certainly suspicious, and not only because there was no W, C, S, or A in its first message.  Did the letters just come about of their own accord?
"YEP"
Looking back into the bowl for the third time, I wondered where all those letters had gone.
"ABANDON HOPE, YE MORTALS, FOR ALL IS LOST"
And where did all of those letters come from?  Not to mention the fact that there are not supposed to be any commas in my Alpha-Bites.  Rather than ask myself deep, thought-provoking questions about the true nature of breakfast cereal, I dumped the bowl out into sink.  As the milk flowed away, I saw a single trailing line of letters disappear into the drainpipe.
"TODAY WILL BE THE WORST DAY EVER"
Well, I had gotten a pretty crappy mail delivery, but that hardly qualified this day as the worst day of my life.  Anyways, since when did I start listening to what cereal had to say, much less start turning to it for fortune-telling?

As I often did on such fine spring days, I strolled leisurely down the sidewalk, watching curiously the world around me.  I saw a lovely bird flit through the air, although when it turned into a massive block of concrete, I realized that I had tripped on my shoelaces.  Picking myself off the ground, I noticed something.  Strolling directly towards me was a small, fuzzy kitten.  Surely nothing could go wrong here.  Surely I could stick it to my pessimistic breakfast.
"Hi there!  You're a fuzzy kitty!  Yes you are!"
I leaned down to look in the kitten's furry brown face, only to have a pair of claws scratch bloody lines down the sides of my face.
"Fiendish feline!" I cried, leaping back in surprise.  "Shall I send you back into the pits of the Abyss that no doubt spawned your diabolic being?"
"Meow," said the cat.
"...well put," I admitted, walking by the cat.  I wasn't sure whether the scratch or the rebuttal had been more painful.

I noticed a bus stop a few blocks ahead.  Seated on one of the benches was a dazzlingly pretty young lady.  Determined to prove my cereal wrong, I walked confidently up and seated myself next to her.
"Hi," I said.  "Do you mind if I sit here?"
"Not at all," she replied.
"You're very pretty," I said, immediately wondering if I had been too forward.
"Thank you," she said, flashing me an intoxicating smile and brushing back a strand of hair with her free hand.  "We should catch lunch together some time."
With those words, she stood up and started walking across the street.  Apparently she had not been waiting on a bus.  I could hardly believe the conversation that had just taken place, and it was even harder for me to believe it when she was promptly flattened by a truck.

Well, that figuratively killed my good mood and literally killed a certain young woman.  I stood up and started walking again.  Looking back over my shoulder, I saw a towering column of smoke where my house used to be.  What was perhaps even more surprising was that the smoke was a deep blood red, and zombies were emerging from the rubble.
"Well, that's really something," I noted, turning and continuing to walk down the sidewalk.  Suddenly, something caught my attention.  No, it wasn't the bloodstained pavement left behind by the rioting mobs or the flickering lights set up by gleeful arsonists celebrating the downfall of civilization.  No, it wasn't the stench of fire and brimstone in the air or the cackling and screaming of a thousand tormented souls on the radio in a nearby shop window.  No, it wasn't anything like that.  I reached down and picked up a small, metallic object.  Holding it up against the deep lighting of the mushroom clouds on the horizion, I could almost see Honest Abe winking back at me.
"A penny," I whispered, breathing in the toxic fumes from an overturned hazmat truck.  "I found a penny."
Screams, explosions, and gunfire rang out in the distance as humanity writhed in its death throes.
"I found a penny," I repeated.  "Today is the best day ever!"